Sad boiz is sad boiz till death, son! Don’t be too sad, though, he’ll most likely be back for the Copa.
Things are slowing down. The title winners have all taken their titles, the many cup winners we saw this week have done the same, players are returning to their national squads in preparation for a few months of heated international competition, and here I am without a real job (am I actually Louis van Gaal? No.) It must be summer.
How was your week though, friend? Has your academic year wrapped up as swimmingly as PSG’s? Are you headed to Manchester with Jose Mourinho and Zlatan (Watch out, England)? Does literally everyone want you, Ben Arfa? I don’t blame them. Excuse my rambling, we’re approaching a hiatus in soccer and I’m just looking for things to talk about so I can avoid the inevitable a few more minutes. At least let me have that. And an Atletico Champions League title. Give me the redemption. Give me a sad, big-headed Gareth Bale. I need it. I don’t care what you’re doing this Saturday, you better be watching: 2:45 PM EST.
Rad Headlines and Highlights You Should Know About
I love drinking out of cups. Undeniably one of the most convenient vessels for delivering thirst-quenching fluids to my body. This week, as if there were a deficiency in the world, everyone just wanted to fight for a cup.
AC Milan 0-1 Juventus
Not a huge surprise, we find the Italian juggernaut Juventus in the Coppa Italia finals against a slightly underwhelming Milan side (not even some Europa League in their future with that 7th place finish). With so much cup goodness on the line, you knew everyone would come to play. The match proved to be rather lame through regulation, with exactly zero goals scored. The boys from both sides really stepped it up for extra time though, accumulating six cards in the extra 30 minutes and one righteous, game-siding goal from Álvaro Morata (couldn’t even find a good quality video :/sorry). Not the best cup ever, but TG (thank goodness) we get so many every year. This was also the first time a Serie A team has won both the league and the cup in two consecutive years. Props, Juve.
Coupe de France
Olympique de Marseille 2-4 Paris Saint-Germain
Zlatan had a most fitting farewell from his tenure as legend, superstar, dynamo, etc at PSG. One last great two-goal performance to say goodbye, couldn’t ask for too much more from the Swede. One of the few cup games with actual offensive production. Also, the only one not to go into extra time. Honestly, extra time is just a great way to add unnecessary stresses to your life. When will ties be broken with a three-on-three sudden death? Please, Michael Platini, how much will that cost me?
Crystal Palace 1-2 Manchester United
Slow start to this game, like many of the other cup finals. I think finals of any sort are just black holes for hype and ultimately disappointment, but what’re you gonna do, not watch ’em? Nothing really got going until the second half, but action did come eventually. Marouane Fellaini nailed the very corner of the goal with a great strike. Soon after, an Anthony Martial header met the same unfortunate fate, denied by the goal. But it was Palace’s Jason Puncheon who would strike first in the 78th minute. First taking the (unsuccessful) corner, then receiving the rebounded pass and drilling it past David De Gea. United in trouble? Nah. Almost immediately, Wayne Rooney supplied a nice little chip cross to the center of the box, which fell to the feet of Juan Mata, who coolly put it home. To extra time we go. Chris Smalling with a pretty gormless
United in trouble? Nah. Almost immediately, Wayne Rooney supplied a nice little chip cross to the center of the box, which fell to the feet of Juan Mata, who coolly put it home. To extra time we go. Chris Smalling with a pretty gormless tackle got sent off leaving United with ten men. But De Gea remained firm in goal. The dabbing menace himself, Jesse Lingard, would blast the winning volley home in the 110th minute. Dull game turned thriller, you love to see it.
Bayern Munich 0-0 Borussia Dortmund (Munich win on penalties 4-3)
Title says it all. Mats Hummels with a disappointing last performance until he expatriates to Bayern Munich. Dumb Bayern victory. I’m not bitter. Oh wait, yeah I am. Good for Pep getting one last victory, though, he didn’t win enough this year.
Copa Del Rey
Barcelona 2-0 Sevilla
What? Another cup final going into extra time? You’re surprised? Classic conditioning has nothing on you. Sevilla was riding a nice wave of momentum from that Europa victory, Both sides exchanged some decent chances through regulation, but it was an otherwise dull, Suarez-injury-filled (in the 57th), and evenly matched 90 minutes. Both teams lost a player to red cards in the form of Javier Mascherano in the first half and Ever Banega at the end of the second, among several other late bookings. It was a riot, Neymar assumed his usual whiny self. Strictly actions you’ve seen many times before. Extra time brought action, and, unfortunately for Sevilla, two Barcelona goals. Jordi Alba and (ugh) Neymar would both net fine goals to give Barca their second straight Copa. Highlights below.