I apologize for my absence as of lately. I was graduating from college and trying to make a future for myself. Now that I’ve failed at that and gotten all the tears out, I can return to spewing mediocrity in your face through the medium of soccer. Lucky you! Here’s a little photo album featuring some of the big news/championships you might have missed without my guidance:
And now let’s look at some sick highlights from the last week of regular season soccer (hold back the tears).
How about this as a headliner? Gonzalo Higuain wrecking the single season goal record in the Serie A, putting away his 35th and 36th in the last match of the season. Tremendous form. What does the future hold for the Argentine goal fiend?
Atletico Nacional goalkeeper Franco Armani with not one nor two, but three ridiculous saves in the Copa Libertadores match against Rosario.
Head over to Sweden for this preposterous backheel goal by Guillermo Molins (Malmö FF).
Karim Tarfi, take a bow. What a marvelous strike of the foot for De Graafschap, moving them on in the Dutch Relegation Playoffs.
After his last match of the season, Eden Hazard decided he wasn’t done actually playing well, so he took it to this little kid.
Danny Drinkwater’s a champ, but there’s still no stopping him from netting goals. So don’t bother trying, Chelsea.
A little late to the game with this one, but you needed to see Khazri’s banger of a volley against Chelsea.
Here Are Some Matches I Hope You Saw
West Ham United 3-2 Manchester United
The very last game at the Boleyn, a respectable West Ham side, a Man United side with something to prove, you know it’s gonna be a banger. Manchester United showed up a bit late after some running into some traffic, and it leaked into their play. West Ham came out firing and it was Diafra Sakho who put away the opener with a lucky deflection, leaving David De Gea watching. Michail Antonio nearly doubled the lead moments later, but the ball came from out of bounds and you can’t do that. Manchester United would recompose as half time approached, and ready themselves for a confident second half. Juan Mata fed Anthony Martial for an easy finish in the 51st to equalize. Not long after this, Martial would produce once again with a fantastic individual effort, giving United a 2-1 lead. This lead would not stand with the Hammers. Dimitri Payet struck a free kick off the wall, rebounded, and fed Antonio for a fantastic header. The Boleyn would smile on its Ham as Payet pocketed another assist, a winning assist, finding Winston Reid for their first victory over United in 15 meetings. Fantastic second half performance from both sides. Excellent finish by West Ham. Then fans threw a bunch of bottles at United’s bus, strictly class from Stratford. #FarewellBoleyn
Newcastle United 5-1 Tottenham Hotspur
So the title wasn’t meant for the Hotspurs. That’s tough, but you can’t knock the Spurs’ season, they’ve been outstanding. Young Player of the Year (Dele Alli) and Golden Boot (Harry Kane), two points above Arsenal, it doesn’t get too much better. Enter a relegated Newcastle at home and Rafa Benitez ready for a season in the Championship. Watch what happens next.
Georginio Wijnaldum opened up the soon-to-be bloodbath with a scrappy, falling finish in the 19th minute. Much of the half remained 1-0 until Aleksander Mitrović blasted a header in the 39th to make it 2-0. Erik Lamela responded early in the second with a point-blank rip of his own, leaving Karl Darlow falling defeated. This moment of relief had the potential to grow, as Mitrović received a straight red soon after. The man advantage proved to be less than effective as Wijnaldum bagged this time via a dive and penalty kick. Now up 3-1, it was all over but the crying for the Spurs, as Newcastle put away two more in the closing minutes for a 5-1 victory. This loss, combined with Arsenal’s 4-0 victory (Olivier Giroud hat-trick, is this actually the end of the world?) led to yet another great St. Totteringham’s celebration, leaving Tottenham in 3rd behind Arsenal. Poor Harry Kane. Poor Pochettino. Don’t forget Tottenham in your thoughts and prayers this summer.
Luis Suarez bagged himself a La Liga championship to go with his hat trick performance against Granada. Atletico and Real Madrid’s victories were not enough to overcome the Barca point lead, close and down to the wire as it was. With this, Suarez also won the Pichichi Trophy with his unheard of 40 goal season. Only the third person to do so after (who else?) Messi and Ronaldo. So congrats to you, Luis, you large-toothed ass, and the rest of Barcelona too.